Poetry? I would call that a song lyric. Still, I will criticize, as I always do.
I won't recommend using "motherfucking" all the time in a poem. It is vulgar, and seems like it's just to complete the rythm. Try to use a bit more clever solutions.
The dojo is not a box either. It's a square. One can find lots of rhymes to square, as well. As...
I'm standing in a square
Not to to fight fair
Because I'm watching Tony Blair
As he's tilting on his chair.
Terrible example, but you get the idea. I would not recommend using choirs in a poem (As those inside brackets). It makes it look too much like a song. The swearing doesn't fit with the smooth and kind nature of a poem either.
Finally, you could try to hide some sense between the lines. This means shaping images and words in the head of the reader even though you aren't spelling it out.
And "I" should always be capitalized.
4/10
I won't recommend using "motherfucking" all the time in a poem. It is vulgar, and seems like it's just to complete the rythm. Try to use a bit more clever solutions.
The dojo is not a box either. It's a square. One can find lots of rhymes to square, as well. As...
I'm standing in a square
Not to to fight fair
Because I'm watching Tony Blair
As he's tilting on his chair.
Terrible example, but you get the idea. I would not recommend using choirs in a poem (As those inside brackets). It makes it look too much like a song. The swearing doesn't fit with the smooth and kind nature of a poem either.
Finally, you could try to hide some sense between the lines. This means shaping images and words in the head of the reader even though you aren't spelling it out.
And "I" should always be capitalized.
4/10
Im standing in a square
Giving off my glare
So trolls should beware
Cuz I'll be leaving you impaired'
Still. Swearing = good. It was a rap song.
7/10
Giving off my glare
So trolls should beware
Cuz I'll be leaving you impaired'
Still. Swearing = good. It was a rap song.
7/10
Need help?
Creati0n says: still my favorite. <3
I sacrificed my firstborn for this great human being to join (M) ~R
Just Use Thunder!
Creati0n says: still my favorite. <3
I sacrificed my firstborn for this great human being to join (M) ~R
Just Use Thunder!
Originally Posted by aslask
Poetry? I would call that a song lyric. Still, I will criticize, as I always do.
I won't recommend using "motherfucking" all the time in a poem. It is vulgar, and seems like it's just to complete the rythm. Try to use a bit more clever solutions.
The dojo is not a box either. It's a square. One can find lots of rhymes to square, as well. As...
I'm standing in a square
Not to to fight fair
Because I'm watching Tony Blair
As he's tilting on his chair.
Terrible example, but you get the idea. I would not recommend using choirs in a poem (As those inside brackets). It makes it look too much like a song. The swearing doesn't fit with the smooth and kind nature of a poem either.
Finally, you could try to hide some sense between the lines. This means shaping images and words in the head of the reader even though you aren't spelling it out.
And "I" should always be capitalized.
4/10
Thanks for the input, but I disagree with all but one of your points.
- The vulgarity sets the mood for the rest of piece. It both shows a lighthearted nature, and a underlying seriousness. Try reading it in a different meter.
- A square can be a box. Furthermore, "I'm in a square" sounds dumb.
- It was written to sound similar to a popular song.
- If you didn't pick up on any of the symbolism and various other devices, I suggest rereading it.
- Concur: "I" should be capitalized. However, did it really affect you (the reader) or the piece at all?
O_o what the fuck.....nice 
Helge Sverre - System Developer
https://helgesverre.com
https://helgesverre.com
