My name is Joakim Börtin and I am young in Sweden.
Being young in Sweden is both a blessing and a curse. I have a world of possibilities ahead of me and every resource to become succesful at any subject of my interests. Greatness has its downsides though, downsides that I, as a long time sufferer of depression, has been exposed to quite a lot.
You see, there is something stalking a person with a great future infront of them. It slowly limps on behind you like a deformed, twisted and hungry beast. And if it catches you, you fall hard. So hard it may seem impossible to get back up.
This beast is called Failure. Failure makes you feel like a waste of matter, worse than dust, a leech being dragged behind by the people around you. And that’s the toughest part. You can live with your own misery, but when it starts affecting your friends and family, that’s when you want to give it all up. It simply doesn’t seem to be worth the effort of existing.
When you are on the ground like that you just want to give it all up, let life go so to say. Dying right there on the ground may seem like a better idea than to keep slowing down your loved ones. It makes you hate yourself, and when you start hating yourself, you start avoiding people. You slowly slip away from your friends, start making up excuses not to see them even, because you feel like they deserve better than whatever you have left to offer. Everything in life becomes a struggle, getting out of bed, eating, smiling. But you do it anyway, you have to, or else people will start suspecting how bad you actually feel, and you don’t want that to happen, because you feel like you owe them too much, and you have nothing left to pay them with. It slowly kills you on the inside.
Your hearth is replaced by a dark void, eventually you give up hope about ever feeling better. Everything just seems pointless, you no longer feel the joy of living. But I live in Sweden, and Sweden is a great country. Sweden wants to help you, Sweden will throw you a rope. But you refuse to take it at first. You hate what you have become, you hate yourself too much to even want to help yourself.
But then you remember what you used to be. A normal, friendly, happy person. You miss being happy so bad you eventually reach for the rope. It feels selfish but you don’t care anymore. What has life ever done for you? Might as well be an asshole back, right?
The rope is slippery, and you lose sight of it a couple of time, it’s really dark. But eventually you will catch it and get back up on your feet. There’s a very long gap between the person you are and the person you could have been, but it’s progress, and you feel good, better than you’ve ever felt in years or even decades.
You finally realise life might be worth living after all, and it keeps you going. It will take a long time, but you promise yourself that you will eventually catch up with the real you. You will fall again, but a bitter hate against life compells you. You WILL get back up and you WILL feel better eventually. It is just a matter of time and effort.