So, I fire up Toribash, put in my Username and password, hit "Sign In", and then a message appears saying

"Server Returned Nothing (No headers, no)"

I can't read the rest because of the white background, but I can't sign in and therefor I can't play Toribash! Please halp

Be sure that your firewall allows toribash.exe to have access to network. Disable your antivirus then try to log on again.